Rollercoasters are even stable...at least the ones at Six Flags are!

Book I am listening too now: The 4-Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferris. I have read this book once before, but really didn't know how to apply the genius that is in the pages of this book to my life. So here I go exploring and picking it apart as I walk Stella on this bitter cold and dreary day.

To start off (this post as well as the book), Tim talks about feeling unsettled in the 9-5. Feeling like I you don't want to take the next 40 years doing the same thing waiting till you can retire. This seems like waiting for life to begin. But at the same time I want to be able to pay my bills, travel, have a savings account, perhaps even a family one day. What this seems to come down to is what am I so afraid of. What terrifies me and makes me want to give up on myself, or give up on my goals and dreams in life?

Fear is what stops me, it stops you, it stops everyone!

So why not just look at it. Let's take the current fears...MONEY, and not having enough of it. Okay in reality, the panic I face about only having $17 in the bank account feels exactly like the time I had $10,000 in the same account. So what is really going on? If it is the same feeling, it clearly isn't related to the number next to the dollar sign. My anxiety runs deeper than that, it is in the unknown that there is fear. In the unknown I could use $10,000 unwisely and then I would feel guilt. Just knowing that it will go away can cause more than enough panic. The $17 seems to instill the feeling of being inadequate. I only see the $17, not the fact that I am owed money, or that money is coming in, or the thrill of knowing I am working for myself, and there ARE GOING TO BE EBS & FLOWS to it (me attempting to drill this into my head). My mind will take what it will to ensure I stay in a state of panic. Like most of the world, I have this masochistic addiction to my self sabotage and suffering.

So then there are the days when things fall into place. I believe I may be an odd one, (yes, I know I am finally admitting to what everyone already knows) but truly today made me see some of it. Most people seem to need focus and quiet in order to be productive and make things happen. For me I have always known I work best when multi-tasking, and today was no different. Dan was sick with some awful fever, so I made food, tea, drew baths, etc. all the while ordering a new laptop, connecting with a client, updating my website, working with a freelance programmer, talking to AT&T, walking the dog, and swinging by Warren Miller Entertainment to pick up some files and say hello to people. Whew! How is it I can't do this in the quiet of other days in my life? It's not that I want Dan to be sick in bed all day, but for some reason it sparked some motivation in me in other ways...I don't get it. My theory is that my mind gets too distracted if it is too still everywhere. Some days I need a lot going on in order to have a lot going on. I know I have been the other way before, focused, quiet, but for some reason the one that works the best is the busy meets productive approach.

Over the years (all 27 in fact), I have been slowly building up a wall against all the things that scare me. When I was younger I didn't think about the million potential outcomes, or disasters that could happen from any given situation. I would just do whatever I felt like I needed to do, be it a homework assignment, or throwing a tantrum. Now I think too much, and with that I notice I will avoid situations in my life as soon as it sparks a fear or discomfort. Currently it is all coming up around money. I have all the capabilities in the world to make money, yet for years I have been struggling. I have refused to look at my finances until recently, and crazier yet, I see how I want to sabotage myself into making more money. Just today I was talking to a client that was wanting to spend less than the estimate I gave him. This immediately sparked avoidance and panic in me. Sounds ridiculous, right? Well I sat with it, and at my desk with it (on this fabulous chair I might ad, the Soul Seat. A chair I am borrowing that is a prototype that I will explain in a later post). So after sitting with this fear an inner panic over nothing, I simply wrote back and explained what could be done, modified or cut out in order to meet his budget as well as my needs. Bingo! I get a response back saying its a go, and a check will be in the mail soon. So what was I so scared of?

There is an innate connection to money and my self worth. There is a connection to not feeling I can ask what I need and actually get it. If I ask I will be rejected is what my head tells me. There hasn't been the realization that there are other options, compromises and ways of changing things to make it work for everyone.

Movin', changin', and shakin' every day :)

Tomorrow: Dog walk with Tim Ferris' book, The Four Hour Work Week. Insights to come.

Must...make...self-promotion...happen....EH!

Why is it so hard to sit here and try to promote myself? Is it because even though I fail to see it, I am much more critical of my own work than when I create for others? I need to be more objective about this...

self promotion = more work = being able to do what I love and get paid for it!

So why can't I get into this today? Some days the motivation is there, everything falls into place, and you hear that beautiful 'click' as things fall into place. Then there is today and most days where there seems to be a dragging, a mulling around in mud as I try to pull design out of the ether.


Here is one of my slides of the many that I am pulling together to actually make my site a viable one that people would actually say, "OOOOOh I want her to design stuff for me!". As opposed to its current state of, '?'. This was a recent project of mine for a yoga studio outside of Miami, FL. Check out their website: www.bluesolyoga.com (I made this too! :))

Alright...back to work.

New year, new beginning...

Okay so yadda yadda, its a new year and everyone starts over right? I feel for once things truly are starting over for me in ways that I want to fully embrace.

I have a new relationship, I have branched out on my own as a freelance graphic designer, and I have big ideas that I want to make happen for myself and in the world.

I have always been an ideas person, and now it is time to put it into action. Taking what I for the most part deem as brilliant ideas and make something out of them. I will never be one to be satisfied with a 9-5, I will never be one to be satisfied with a picket fence relationship (not that there is anything wrong with either one of these, i just seem to get too many ants in the pants when it comes to either of them if you know what i mean). I want to grow, and grow into these new beginnings. So with that I am starting a blog. I have started listening to Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth again. I read it a year and a half ago when I was moving out here to Boulder, and had so many of those stop you dead in your tracks because you realize he is talking to only you in the universe moments. I found self love, I found my strength, I found myself... Then life happens, I got busy, I got stressed, I had a hectic job, I had hectic relationship crisis all over the place, and before I knew it I was stressed, depressed, lost, uninspired, and felt I had no direction at all again in life. Okay so some of that sounds sad and a bit morbid, but really it is always a great leaping point when I am at those lows to go back and find myself again...but do I really need to keep going down that road? Talk about a drag! So now with the support of this wonderful blogging system and the potential for someone out there to read this, I commit to you, The Internet Universe, that I will be posting and keeping you updated on my insights, my expeditions, my failures, and my wonderful moments of grace.

With Stella, a pit bull/lab (plab) mix by my side, nothing will stop me.

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Here are the resolutions. Out in the open for all to see, and for me to be accountable for...

• Finish 6 books that will change my life (yet to all be determined) and take actions for each one. (what is the point if I don't take action?)
  

• Have a gallery showing
  

• Climb a 5.11 climb without stopping or resting

• Learn Spanish (re-learn I should say...and then improve on what is in my brain)

• Travel overseas again...somewhere for at least 3 weeks (now that I am mobile, why not?)
  

• Brave the dentist and fix the things that need to be fixed (new veneers!)

• Teach yoga/meditation retreats again

• Have a savings account that actually has money in it